I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
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Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Noah was an idiot.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom鈥檚 Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I鈥檓 going to have to insist on it
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that鈥檚 what cell phones are for
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 馃槨馃槨
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They鈥檙e drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I鈥檇 watch. I didn鈥檛 say I鈥檇 intervene.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 馃ザ
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
My dating profile:
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps