I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
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Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.