I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
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Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today