I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
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there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.