“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
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Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]