I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
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Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire