I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
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the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*