I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
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The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
not for long
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Taliband
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.