I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
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When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I identify as an antique shop.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”