I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
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Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
some Old Testament wisdom
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis