I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
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Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!