I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
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Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.