I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
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This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Just as the prophecy foretold
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.