i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
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if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
A ghost story
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*