“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
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Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
pizza
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”