I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
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ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*