i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
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I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.