“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
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Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I have a black belt in leather
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”