I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
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Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.