Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

long lost

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.