I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
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“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄