I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
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I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil