I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
thank god
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
This bar smells like my childhood.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please