Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

A policeman stops a car…

Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?