I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
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Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I saw this ending much differently.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Goodnight 🐶
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons