I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
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I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡