I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
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Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Noah was an idiot.
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me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Bringing back this classic
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
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Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
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account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already