I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
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[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.