i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
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“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.