i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
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Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Breaking news:
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Every haunted house movie:
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*