i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
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4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Meme Monday.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!