I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
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If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*