I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
You Might Also Like
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”