I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
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“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Always the camel, never the toe.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
looks legit
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.