I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
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My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*