I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
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The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Attacked by a mop.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???