I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
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Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
work smarter, not harder
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.