I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
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Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.