Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.