I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
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“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago