I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
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[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual