Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

Jus’ sayin. 😐

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control