I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
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DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
*eats only grass-fed donuts
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!