I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
You Might Also Like
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
3% human
97% stress
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.