I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
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I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
You’re the water to my grease fire.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.