I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
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If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first