I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
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I learned about self care from watching my cat.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!