Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

Cha-ching is my safe word

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

New Tinder profile.

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.