Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

every college guy’s fridge

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.