I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
You Might Also Like
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that