I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
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My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
God, I love Scotland
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.