I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
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Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I have never related to a cat more
Don’t we all.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.