I love the smell of relapse in the morning
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4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.