I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
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PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
good morning
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
so i’m at the stock market right
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.